[an error occurred while processing this directive]
Top Ten LotR plot twists rejected by Tolkien
by Todd Aglioloro and Jason Negri
10. Bolger vs. Lumpkin: Fifteen rounds of Fatty Insanity!
9. Sauron revealed as Frodo's father.
8. Pippin hits on Eowyn in a dark corner of the Houses of Healing: "The hands of a Hobbit are the hands of a healer too, you know..."
7. A fed-up Eagle-Lord to Gandalf trapped at Orthanc: "Fly yourself, magic-boy."
6. Balin emerges from the depths of Moria, claiming he "fell asleep in the tub."
5. The Shire, mobilized by Merry and Pippin, annexes Bree and slaughters "the Big Folk."
4. Bombadil pulls switcheroo with Frodo: keeps One Ring as trinket for Goldberry.
3. With Middle-earth saved, Gandalf turns his talents to research:
Frodo: "Is that a new kind of pipe-weed?"
Gandalf: "Yeah, kinda."
2. Boromir uses the Ring, saves Gondor, destroys Sauron and becomes a wise and benevolent ruler.
1. Gollum adapts to molten Mt. Doom environment; will play a critical role in Fourth Age crisis.
10. After battle with Balrog, Gandalf returns to Istari HQ in San Francisco. Returns as "the Pink Rider."
9. Believing revenge to be a dish best served cold, Gimli stealthily beheads Legolas, Eomer, the sentry of Lothlorien, and everybody else who "pissed me off."
8. BATF raid on Gandalf's fireworks warehouse.
7. Ents and Elves dispute over title of "Firstborn." Elrond has Quickbeam made into an armoire; Treebeard grinds Glorfindel into mulch.
6. Black Tongue of Mordor recognized as a valid language by Middle Earth public schools and DMV.
5. Elvish runes at doors of Moria read, "Speak, stupid, and enter."
4. In the happy days after the defeat of Sauron, Gimli keeps his promise and visits Mirkwood with Legolas -- where they are eaten by spiders, whom everybody had forgotten about.
3. Flash-forward to the Fifth Age, where Bilbo still hasn't finished that damn book.
2. Orc-slaughter competition between Legolas and Gimli becomes so fierce, they take to killing some of the smaller, uglier men of Gondor.
1. Ent-draughts available in Ice, Lite and Dry.
10) Earendil's Star contains a spaceship which carries away the faithful to a higher plane of existence.
9) Frenzied Elven orgy in the Last Homely House.
8) Gandalf trips over parapet and plummets from the peak of Orthanc.
7) Saruman of Many Colours does brief ad campaign for Tide Colour Bleach.
6) A distinctly un-tame lion comes on the scene roaring about "Sons of Adam and Daughters of Eve." He is promptly killed by Beorn for scaring his sheep.
5) Samwise begins to experience Smeagol/Gollum schizophrenia after the Fall of Sauron. He calls Arwen Evenstar "my Precious" and is beheaded by King Elessar.
4) The three Elven Rings do not fade away after the destruction of The One. Lothlorien and Rivendell become communes, while Gandalf sets up benevolent dictatorship at Dale.
3) Aragorn bravely leads the Grey Company along the Paths of the Dead. The Oathbreakers, summoned to the Stone of Erech, decide to continue their apostasy and attack Aragorn instead.
2) The Mouth of Sauron resorts to cheap taunts and insults thrown at Aragorn's army--all in an outRAGeous French accent.
1) Bombadil exposed as Mordor spy by his beloved Goldberry, an Elven double agent. Nazgul and Elven Lords converge on Old Forest and War is over without disrupting the common folk of Middle Earth.
10) Aragorn discovers that he is not, in fact, Elendil's heir. His older brother, Mutt, after having lived with Ghan-buri-Ghan & Co., lays claim to the throne after all the "dirty work" is done.
9) Miruvor bash and subsequent hangover right before the Redhorn Pass fiasco.
8) Butterbur's binge-and-purge history and 12-step recovery.
7) Dwarves finally rise up in protest of consistent unfavorable comparisons with Elves. They file a class action and receive compensatory damages for "racial injustice" and "emotional distress."
6) Bilbo, Gloin and Elrond set out after the Fellowship to prove "the Old Guard" still has it. They settle in Lothlorien and build a retirement flet community.
5) Galadriel discovers Pippin singing the praises of a bath while he takes one in her mirror.
4) Faramir's fling with Arwen (inspired by Camelot saga).
3) The hallucinogenic effects of lembas.
2) Boromir takes a leak and has his winkie bitten off by Wargs. Results in a vendetta destruction of the Warg species and a kinder, gentler Boromir.
1) Farmer Giles of Ham shows up at the Pelennor Fields and saves Gandalf's life.
10) Shadowfax killed by orc arrow. He and the dead horses of Rohan provide raw material for new "Gondor Glue" products.
9) Upon becoming Queen of Middle Earth, Arwen the vegetarian begins "Meat is Murder" campaign. Henpecked Elessar glumly agrees to outlaw new "Beef & Beer" franchise.
8) "One Necklace to rule them all, One Necklace to find them..."
7) Upon the disbanding of the Istari, Radagast founds PETA.
6) The Sackville-Bagginses, Bracegirdles and Proudfeet form a crime syndicate:
Frodo: "I'd like to have Bag End back."
Lobelia S.B.: "I'm a-gonna make you an offer you can't refuse."
5) During their march to the Grey Havens, a lone Elf-voice cries out: "Wait a minute. We're first-born, we're immortal...IT IS WE WHO SHOULD RUUULE!"
4) Constant exposure to Dutch pornography via Satellite Palantir revealed as cause of Denethor's breakdown.
3) Early draft from Tolkien's mental-block days:
"Three things for the Elven Kings
Seven for the Dwarves livin' all alone
Nine for mortal men da da da why?
One more thing for that bad guy while I'm at it.
One thing to fool them all
One thing to show everybody
One thing to rule them as it were -
This is a really important thing, understand."
2) Discarded maxim: "Pungent are the dumps of the Dwarves."
1) Paganesque Valar-worship and Hobbit hedonism annoy The One; Radagast the Brown called to begin a movement of spiritual renewal and asceticism, doesn't have to change clothes.