A Day in the Life of Gandalf the Grey
0825Wake up because of a digging sensation in my skull. Open my eyes to see a flock of birds around me. Time to wash my robes. Damn birds think I'm Radagast the Brown.
0835Wash my robes in the nearby river. Some people wonder what a wizard wears under their robes. And the answer is simple. More robes.
0930Decide to start my long journey to the White Council temporarily being held in Rivendell. I hope I dont see my cousin Poofter the Pink there. I'm naturally distrustful of anyone who gets his fingers manicured every week.
1002Stop to take a whiz in the bushes.
1013Realize to my annoyance that I am out of silver pennies. Head towards the nearest house to ask if they want their windows washed.
1023Some persuading and some threatening later I finally start washing the lawn for an estranged dwarf who lives on his own. Salinger I think his name was. Im glad he saw my side of the argument. Not every dwarf sees how being turned into a frog can effect your life.
1043Some silver pennies (Im glad I remembered to put the E in that word) later I resume my journey.
1052Came across some trolls that have turned to stone in a clearing, very much like the one I visited all those years ago. Think about how I owe Elrond a birthday present. Chop off one of the trolls little finger. They make a good paperweight they do.
1057Wonder why I didnt bring ShawdowFax on this trip. Decide I could make a better entrance if I rode in on him. Shout "ShadowFax to me!" at the top of my voice and let off a whistle which echoes can be heard from miles around. Wont be long till he arrives.
1108Finally here a clippety-clop sound. See ShadowFax slowly trotting around the corner. I ask him "where the hell have you been?". He gave me a look that I think is the horse equivalent of " you try and travel half of middle-earth mate and lets see how bloody tired you are."
1116Shadowfax is finally ready to set off. Decide to feed it some oats from a nearby fields to give him a boost. Oats and moonshine.
1132After travelling many leagues I call ShadowFax to a halt as we reach a farmer herding his cows from one field to another. As I wait I hear the sound of hooves approaching from behind. To my surprise a Black Rider pulls his horse up beside me. Damn Black Riders. Think they own this continent. I shout over to him "WANNA DRAG RACE?". The rider gives me the slightest of nods. As soon as the last cow clears both of our horses bolt down the country road.
1135After travelling two miles, ShadowFax is beginning to fall behind on pace to the black horse. Well I sure as hell aint gonna lost to no Black Rider. I shout over to him "HEY IS THAT THE RING?". The Rider immediately looks around and pulls on his horses reigns to slow it down. As I pass him I hit him over the head with my staff. Stupid Nazgul. So gullible.
1147Should be at Rivendell in an hour according to my calculations. Since ShadowFax is pretty much on cruise control at the moment, I pull out the Swimsuit Edition of PlayAulé.
1224As I near Rivendell I come across a party of elves. I say party instead of group because they were sitting in a clearing dancing, singing, laughing and feasting. Though I am familiar to such gaiety from this merry folk, they seemed to be enjoying themselves too much. As I greet them and quickly tell them of my recent travels and where I am destined, I take the chance to take a cup of WHAT from the large bowel everyone took a drink from. To my amusement and as I had suspected, the WHAT has been spiked. Hehehehe.
1235I meet the first of many guard posts on the main road to Rivendell. Tell them I have no fruit or vegetables on board.
1256Finally reach Rivendell after passing numerous guard posts. Surprised to find that they now have valet parking for horses. Hand ShadowFax over to the elf waiting outside. Tip him a couple of silver pennies just to make sure I get a spot near the front of the stable.
1259As I walk towards main entrance I notice that above the entrance it reads in fire red letters AnBar-Rivendell, the nearest translation of which is Hotel Rivendell. Well if Elrond wants to make a few extra pennies I totally support that. Capitalism is the way forward for middle-earth.
1300Meet Elrond at the door. Compliment him on his new set-up. After seeing the rates he charges for one nights stay I am very happy I know Elrond himself and he owes me a few. After showing me my room, penthouse suite on the top floor beside his chambers, he leads me to where the Council is being held, conference room B, also known as the Isuldur Memorial Room. Only Radagast the Brown and Jaundice the Yellow are here. I try to look dissapointed to hear that Poofter the Pink isnt coming.
1304As the time to start the council approaches, Aragorn , on the invitation of Elrond for this particular meeting, arrives, apologizing for his latency, saying he had to stop a couple of Black Riders outside from spray painting MORDOR RULEZ on a wall on the east side. When Elrond hears this, he rewards Aragorn by giving him a penthouse suite. My penthouse suite. Damn Dúnadain.
1307The final members of the council arrive save Saruman.
1310The meeting is due to start now, yet Saruman is not yet here. Suddenly, a fanfare is heard ad the red carpet rolled out. Saruman appears feigning shortness of breath, when he was probably having a smoke in the toilets and just wanted to be fashionably late. Pompous bugger.
1311To my disappointment, Saruman seems to be invulnerable to my drop-the-trousers spell.
1315The meeting finally starts with Elrond sitting to the left of Saruman, myself to the right.
1321The first fight breaks out when Jaundice They Yellow denies that he spent thirty silver pennies on a new horse despite it saying so on the budget. As he and Saruman argue, I notice a couple bottles of Jack Elfings hidden underneath his robe. So thats what he spent the money on.
1345As Saruman leans back on his chair, I try out my fall-off-chair spell. Again seems invulnerable to it.
1403We finally move off the budget after the riveting laundry expenses and onto more pressing matters.
1404Saruman asks me to address the council. As he sits down and I stand up, I can feel him casting the stutter-blubber-dribble spell on me. Thankfully I repel it. Take a drink of water just to be safe.
1405I start to discuss possibly one of the most important and relevant discussion to the very fabric of Middle-Earth .do balrogs have wings?
1512We take a short break after what was a very heated debate. Halfway through it Radagast the Brown started getting excited and started shouting at Saruman "Im out of order? Youre out of order! This whole damn council is outta order! How can u sit there and say Balrogs have wings? When you see your best friend dead at the hands of a Balrog attack, maybe then youll see how wrong you really are! Mr. ED was the best friend I ever had! I loved that horse like a brother! And now he is dead, maimed by a Balrog back at the end of the Second Age! How dare you sit their and talk about matters you know so little about!" It was at that stage that Aragorn hit Radagast across the head with the hilt of a blade. On closer inspection it appeared that someone spiked Radagasts drink. I suspected Saruman, since Radagast was one of my stalwart supporters and he has now lost some of his credibility. Well Ill get Saruman soon. Him and his family.
1515Aragorn and I slip out the back for a smoke while people are attending to Radagast. Aragorn brings up the subject of what to do about Frodo. I tell Strider to wait in Barlimans for Frodo and to guide him here from Bree. I just hope Barliman sent Frodo that note. If he didnt Ill kick his butt. Even worse, Ill give the Bree Health Board an anonomous tip about a certain inn that has roaches.
1520The meeting resumes.
1522We move onto the next point on the agenda who presently has the nine rings: the Nazgúl or Sauron?
1605After another heated debate, we generally agree that Sauron holds the rings. The strongest argument is that he wears one on each of his fingers to attract women and it gives him street cred when he walks through Mordor giving "massive props to his bruthas."
1615We decide that we have covered enough ground for one day especially since most of the council are weary from long travels. As we exit, Strider asks me to have a drink with him in the bar. I holdheartily concur, since it has been far too long since it wet my whistle.
1625A glass of Jack Elfings later, Strider and I relax in a corner of the bar talking about the latest news and gossip from the different corners of middle-earth. I was especially interested to know that my old associate Bombur has written some cookery books, called The Joys of Cooking Your Friends. Decide not to visit him next month after all.
1630Our relaxing chat is interrupted by a gang of dwarves coming up to our table and looking for our autographs. They give me a photo of myself posing with my staff and holding my hand out as if I was commanding someone. I am disturbed by this because I dont remember ever doing any photo shoots. Who needs Sauron and his minions when those damn paparazzi are about?
1645After signing about ten photos To my favorite dwarf, Tróin son of Thantas son of Thrúin etc. I finally begin to relax again. Decide I need something to soothe my back pains since I think I put a disc out bowing to so many dwarves. Sigh. Wizard groupies. Strider tells me he has some pressing business with an elf that gave him her room number and must freshen up in his room. He bows and leaves, giggling like a girl as he walks.
1721Since I have some time to waste until the feast tonight, I inspect the hotel shop. Elrond is really trying to earn a profit. Available in the shop are some plush soft toys of some of the beats of Middle-Earth, including eagles, deer, horses and several types of spider. Somehow Elrond actually made the spiders look cute. As I start walking away from the toy section I seem to run in to someone. As I turn to offer my apologies I jump as a 10 foot Balrog appears in front of me. To my relief it is just another soft toy but eerily lifelike. The detail on the wings of the Balrog is excellent I have to admit.
1723As I enter the literature section, called the Green Books Library, run by two jolly fellows with glasses and waistcoats called Turgon and Quickbeam, I notice a display which is drawing a lot of attention. As I politely force my way through the crowd, I see what the fuss is about. On the display are several copies of a book called Sauron : Taking a Look at Myself in The Palantír A Biography. It seems everyone is cashing nowadays except me.
1725After purchasing the softback version of Saurons book and Bilbos sequel to There and Back Again, called The Hobbits Guide To Middle-Earth, I decide that I still have time for some more splurging and walk over to the officially licensed Hotel Rivendell range of merchandise. This was a bit of a disappointment though ; I saw nothing of real use to me. Though the posters of Rivendell at dawn were attractive. Despite this I decided that it was nearly time to dead back to my room. On the way out of the shop I passed by the library again and tipped Turgon and Quickbeam for their troubles, though Turgon seemed to be carrying something quite heavy at the time so I dropped it into his pocket.
1745A bath, a nail clippers and a beard brush later, I am finally ready for the feast. I decide to wear my blue robes with gold trim and my dragon-gem cufflinks. Also I polish my staff so that it looks more than just a piece of wood I found in Mirkwood forest one day.
1800After a quite pleasant stroll through the hotel, I finally approach the heart of merrymaking in Rivendell The Hall Of Fire. At the door I was greeted by a bumbling fool who said "Hello Guest! What do you think about it?" Fool was obviously drunk. As soon as I enter I hear Elrond gesture to me from the table on the dais at the very end of the hall. He gestures to me to sit to his right. I gladly accept and notice that for once Saruman is here early. I give him a nod to which he responds with a smug smile.
1805Elrond, satisfied that nearly everyone that should be is in attendance, stands up and says, "Hail elf-friends and friends alike! This feast that we are about to receive is in honor of our guests from the White Council. Two of the members, Curundír and Mithrandir are seated each side of me. Though they have declined to speak, I ask that you raise your glasses, flagons and mugs to them and the rest of the council." With that the hall was filled with numerous voices booming "Hail White Council! Hail elf-friends!" With that, Elrond stood again and said, " Now let the merriment begin". As if it was some well-practiced ceremony, on that note the music started and the food was brought out. Tonight would be a night to remember for many a year.
1811While chewing on a chicken drumstick, I only now started to look with some concentration at the faces in front of me. Radagast seemed to be in deep conversation with Beorn, who was in his human form at the time. Aragorn seemed to have enjoyed himself after our parting, as he was jollier than usual. Legolas, son of the elven-king of Mirkwood had just arrived and was making his way over to the music, not seeking for food nor drink. Poor old Gollum was being made to say "Bud-Weis-Er" in sequence with another couple of frogs, much to the amusement of a couple of drunk men. There were some people who I wouldnt have expected to be here though. I mean, who the hell invited Sauron?
1826After much pushing and shoving, Sauron finally left, bringing his Nazgúl with him, mumbling something under his breath that sounded like "stupid elves, Ill get you, you pajama wearing little ponces." The feast continued in as good spirits as it started though. Sauron has made similar comments before. Plus there were a couple dozen dwarves waiting outside for him with axes and pipes.
1952After a delicious meal, which consisted of the finest game and foul and the juiciest vegetables I have ever tasted I decided to top it off with a smoke of my pipe. As most of the guests headed over to the roaring fire where the musicians were playing some of the finest melodies played tonight I went into a corner to relax. As I did so I noticed a small shadow sitting there already, watching my movements and writing them down into what appeared to be a book of some sort. As I moved towards him he seemed to be startled and from the darkness a voice said to me "Hullo Gandalf! The light of the fire flickered and for a moment the face of the shadow dweller was illuminated. If it wasnt old Bilbo! "Well I never, you do get around dont you my little friend?" I said. With a chuckle, Bilbo moved over to let me sit down in the chair beside him. As I did so, I got my pipe and prepared to light it. Indeed, this would be a good night.
2113Sitting by Bilbos side, the time seemed to fly. We discussed his book, of which he was able to make several additions during his stay at Rivendell and how it had been a commercial success, his dearest Frodo, and of course the ring, a subject I did not really want to enter into but thankfully little was said of. As people began to leave for journey had made them so weary that even merrymaking was not as good as a nights sleep. As I escorted Bilbo to his room, I asked him what he thought of this whole affair with The Last Homely House becoming the Last Homely Hotel, and as he was about to answer, a door opened beside us and the dwarves that had took care of Sauron earlier went past us towards the stairs, each giving a nod, bow our verbal greeting. Bilbo said "goodnight dear friend" and with that closed the door to his room. Well if that wasnt an omen I dont know what is.
2118As I retire to my room for the night I pass by Aragorn, escorting a lady to his room. I gave him a knowing nod and a smile. That lad sure does have some engine.
2122I hang my hat up on the stand and leave my robes on since they double as pajamas quite easily. As I look out the window of my room I marvel at the spectacular view. A wall of another wing of rooms.
2125After reading a few pages of Bilbos new book, I begin to feel drowsy. Realize its been a very long day. As I am about to stop the oil-lamp burning I hear a knock on the door. When I open it I see in front of me a beautiful elf woman who immediately kisses me and says " I love you Gandalf, take me now."
2126Wake up. Realize I fell asleep reading Bilbos new book, and it was just a dream. Suddenly feel very angry. Glad I bought that inflatable Orc punch bag. Begin to beat it to a pulp.
2128Decide it really is time to stop the oil-lamp burning. Wait a long time for a knock on the door. It never happens.
2130Put the light out and get into bed. My final thought as I begin to drop into unconsciousness is "I never wanted to be a wizard, thats what my parents wanted. I wanted to be a rock star."