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Lord of the Rings Hollywood Version Book 2
by Mike Hess

I decided to pursue this whole script thing a little further, so I employed the help of somebody with a little more knowledge of computers than myself, (namely, my seven-year-old daughter) and hacked into an email server to intercept the following letter from the New Line Marketing Department, addressed to Peter Jackson:

Dear Mr. Jackson,

We here in the Marketing Department, ever conscious of what the public will blow good money on, have run a test- screening of "The Goodfellaship" for our focus group with some mixed results. Frankly, we are concerned that we are still a denominator or two too high up the fraction chart in light of some of the responses we received from our group.

Comments included:

"Ten minutes into the movie, and not a single gun shot had been fired. I got bored and went out to the lobby to play video games."


"For my money, you can never have enough cop-buddies- vs.-the-evil-drug-lord movies, but this is the nineties. Where are the spaceships? Where are the laser beams?


"Y'all 'r frum the gubmit aintcha. Yer out to git me. I knows y'all 'r out to git me...Whut? The movie? Needs more nekid wimmin with great big floppy..."

And there were a couple of other respondents who kept going on and on about lack of plot, theme, and character developement, but you're going to get a few kooks in every batch.

In light of these results, please discard our former script synopsis for the second movie in the Lord of the Rings series, and try and whip something up based on the new synopsis hammered out by the Marketing Team late last night over bagels and Espresso:

The Toot Towers begins with the funeral of Boromir Brown. Aragorn, Arwen, Legolas, and Gimli Jones are all in attendence. Suddenly, exactly four minutes (one minute less than our focus group's average attention span) into the movie, a sniper in a black helicopter starts shooting at the funeral attendees, hitting Arwen, and putting her into a coma from which a strikingly handsome doctor says she may not recover.

The chase is on. Aragorn, Legolas, and Jones must somehow track down the organization behind this sinister black helicopter, and figure out what Orcus (the mysterious band of hitmen from episode one) has done with their Stoolie buddies.

Just as they are running out of leads, they are contacted by a secretive government insider computer hacker who will only give the name "E-omer" who informs them that Orcus and the black helicopter are agents of a secret government conspiracy led by Senator Saruman who is using the organization to create a One World Government with him as the ruler.

Not only that, but it turns out that he is in league with the Dark Drug Lord, otherwise known as Eddie "Nine-Fingers" Sauron who is merely using Saruman as a puppet to further his own goal of world domination through a new highly addictive drug he has created, known by addicts as simply "The One."

As payment for this information, E-omer convinces the companions to follow him to Helm's Deep Sea Fishing Resort, where his uncle, the owner of the resort is virtually besieged by the agents of Saruman. It turns out that Saruman is trying to play both sides of the fence, using the resort to set up his own "One" ring to undermine his partner Sauron.

On their way they run across Fred Gandalf who reveals that he was saved from the factory explosion by outrunning the blast and diving out the back window into a pool of toxic waste, which not only bleached his uniform white, but gave him superpowers as well. He informs them that he has been promoted from Captain to Commissioner.

Meanwhile, Pip and Mel have managed to escape the clutches of Orcus, only to stumble upon an ancient secret society known as the Extraterrestrial Nanny Team, or ENT. They are a group of aliens who have been watching over the earth's environment, and are very upset that Saruman's production of the drug "The One" has polluted the river by which they have built their secret observation post.

After long years of operating in secrecy, ENT decides to use its powerful and technologically advanced weapons and spaceships to help destroy Saruman's armies of drug dealers and hitmen.

Lots of explosions and laser blasts follow.

Before he can say "Wormtongue" Saruman finds himself imprisoned in the Orthanc-Tank Maximum Security Wing of the Isengard Correctional Facility.

A joyful reunion between Aragorn's team and the Stoolies follows, and continues only a short while before they all remember that they never really liked each other in the first place, and their thoughts turn reluctantly to Frodo and his friend Sammy "the Brain" Gamgee.

Meanwhile, Frodo and Sammy are having problems of their own. Having stolen a squad car at the end of "The Goodfellaship," they are dismayed to find an annoyingly pathetic "One" junkie along for the ride in the back seat. The junkie is named Hawwk Ptoo for the sound he makes trying to clear the One residue out of his nasal passages. "Hawwk Ptoo. Hawwk Ptoo," he repeats endlessly, pawing Frodo and trying to convince him to score some One for him.

This so annoys Frodo, that he eventually decides he is going to have to destroy the One ring himself, if only to get Hawwk Ptoo off his back. To do so, he realizes he will have to somehow infiltrate Sauron's hideout near the southern end of the Cracks of Doom (Underworld slang for the San Andreas fault). Rumor has it that Sauron runs his operations out of a topless bar called "Bared Lure."

As the three set out on an adventure of their own, they unexpectedly run into undercover detective Faramir Brown, brother to the late Boromir Brown. Faramir, unlike his less honest brother, is unbribable, as Frodo finds out the hard way when he tries to cop some One for Hawwk Ptoo. Faramir is willing to help Frodo on his quest to destroy the One ring, but not so willing that he'd actually go himself. He does offer to lock up Hawwk Ptoo, but in an emotional scene, Frodo confesses that he's grown to like Hawwk Ptoo, "and besides" he adds, "he'll be leading the way, so he'll take the first bullet."

Again they set off, but along the way, Frodo begins to succomb to his own uncontrollable urges to toot some One, and begins slowly spiralling down into junkiedom himself. The stop at the Crossroads Rehabilitation Center does little to break his growing One habit.

All seems lost when the company tries to sneak through the back door of Bared Lure, which can only be reached by cutting through the pawn shop Midas Mogul and Hawwk Ptoo betrays the company to Sauron's mistress Shiela Lobb, who intercepts and seduces Frodo with a crack pipe and her great big floppy...well, you get the picture.

Frodo slips into a drug-induced coma and is taken hostage by members of Orcus, who make an unexpected appearance as Sammy wisely slips out the back way after ruffing up Miss Lobb.

What is to become of the quest? With Frodo alive but taken, Sammy contemplates cutting his losses and bugging out. Unfortunately, Frodo has the keys to the squad car. Meanwhile, with Saruman jailed, and Helm's Deep Sea Fishing Resort liberated, the rest of the company must set it's sites on Money's Terrace, an affluent principality in Southern California that has been besieged by Sauron's well-organized pushers.

Will He-Who-Is-Named-In-The-Indictment succeed in hatching his evil plan to addict the world to his designer drug? Will Frodo come to his senses and kick his One habit? Will Commissioner Gandalf use his superpowers for good or for self-gratification? Will Hawwk Ptoo finally get that lugey out of his throat? Will Aragorn reveal that he is actually Elvis Presley, who faked his own death to take on a new identity through which he could still eat lots of donuts, but also help stem the growing drug tide?

Find out in the final chapter: The Comeback of "The King."

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