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Lord of the Rings: Hollywood Version
by Mike Hess

As is well known, there is a certain amount of tension between the need to make a commercially successful film and the need to retain as much of the Tolkien flavor as possible in the making of the upcoming Lord of the Rings movies.

In my in depth research, I was able to uncover the following script synopsis as written by the marketing department down at New Line Cinema, and submitted for Jackson's approval, in the hope of giving the film an appeal to a wider audience:

Instead of a Magic Ring, which our focus group couldn't really identify with, Sauron is instead running a Drug Ring. And instead of being an heir to a throne since, let's face it, nobody's interested in royalty anymore, Sergeant David Aragorn is a gruff, but lovable undercover detective. Andrea Arwen is his green, wisecracking sidekick and love interest, and Fred Gandalf is the frustrated Captain caught in a tug-of-war between the liberal female mayor (Jill Galadriel) and Aragorn's vigilante approach to law enforcement.

Meanwhile, Gimli Jones and Larry Legolas, trade constant jibes as Aragorn and Arwen's good natured rivals back at the precinct who are swept into the story when violence erupts down at Helm's Deepsea Fishing Resort, which turns out to be a cover for a drug importing operation.

In the first movie, "The Goodfellaship", David Aragorn enlists the help of Frodo "Baggins" McCracken and his band of stoolie buddies to take on Mob Kingpin Eddie "Nine-Fingers" Sauron, otherwise known as "The Dark Drug Lord."

A valuable lead from the snivelling Bart Butterbur, the bartender at the mob's shady hangout, The Prancing Ponykeg, leads the company to a Rave in Dell (A fictional suburb of San Diego) where partygoers listen to music by the band "L-Breath," and experiment with different psychedelic drugs provided by patriarchal  anarchist Alfonse Elrond.

At the Rave, Frodo comes across his uncle Bill "Bo" McKracken, kicking back on a couch jammin on some tunes and generally trying to look a lot younger with a leather clad blonde under one arm and a topless brunette under the other.

The suspense is as thick as Leonardo DiCaprio as Bo tries to get Frodo to indulge in a little "Southfarthing Sinsamarillion" when suddenly, Bo is transformed, in Frodo's tortured imagination, to a snivelling creature on a street corner in a leather jacket and gang colors. It's an important scene because it's Frodo's big chance to demonstrate that the rehab program has been effective.

They leave the Rave in Dell, armed with some new evidence against Nine-Fingers and, led by Captain Gandalf who comes along to serve the warrant, they end up searching through a mob owned warehouse known by the code name "Khazad Dome," where Gandalf confronts Sauron's right-hand man Bill Rogg, and both of them disappear in the obligatory factory explosion.

The movie ends with the Goodfellaship in disarray. Boromir Brown, a trusted detective down at the precinct, turns out to be on the take, and dies in a shootout with a band of Hitmen known only as "Orcus." Pursued by the leader of Sauron's prostitution ring, who goes by the name of "The Bitch King," Frodo panics and steals the squad car, leaving the rest of the company to fend for themselves in the most dangerous part of the slums, and two of Frodo's buddies, Mel and Pip fall into a trap laid by members of Orcus, and are held captive in the trunk of an old Cadillac.

What will become of the Goodfellaship? Will He-who-is-named- in-the-indictment be brought to justice, or will he remain free to continue to spread his dark cloud of Longbottom Leaf?

Find out in the next installment: "The Two Towering Infernos."


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