As is well known, there is a certain amount of
tension between the need to make a commercially
successful film and the need to retain as much of the
Tolkien flavor as possible in the making of the
upcoming Lord of the Rings movies.
In my in depth research, I was able to uncover the following
script synopsis as written by the marketing department down
at New Line Cinema, and submitted for Jackson's approval, in
the hope of giving the film an appeal to a wider audience:
Instead of a Magic Ring, which our focus group couldn't
really identify with, Sauron is instead running a Drug Ring.
And instead of being an heir to a throne since, let's face it,
nobody's interested in royalty anymore, Sergeant David Aragorn
is a gruff, but lovable undercover detective. Andrea Arwen is
his green, wisecracking sidekick and love interest, and Fred
Gandalf is the frustrated Captain caught in a tug-of-war between
the liberal female mayor (Jill Galadriel) and Aragorn's vigilante
approach to law enforcement.
Meanwhile, Gimli Jones and Larry Legolas, trade constant
jibes as Aragorn and Arwen's good natured rivals back at
the precinct who are swept into the story when violence
erupts down at Helm's Deepsea Fishing Resort, which
turns out to be a cover for a drug importing operation.
In the first movie, "The Goodfellaship", David Aragorn
enlists the help of Frodo "Baggins" McCracken and
his band of stoolie buddies to take on Mob Kingpin
Eddie "Nine-Fingers" Sauron, otherwise known as
"The Dark Drug Lord."
A valuable lead from the snivelling Bart Butterbur, the
bartender at the mob's shady hangout, The Prancing
Ponykeg, leads the company to a Rave in Dell (A fictional
suburb of San Diego) where partygoers listen to music
by the band "L-Breath," and experiment with different
psychedelic drugs provided by patriarchal anarchist
At the Rave, Frodo comes across his uncle Bill "Bo"
McKracken, kicking back on a couch jammin on some
tunes and generally trying to look a lot younger with a
leather clad blonde under one arm and a topless
brunette under the other.
The suspense is as thick as Leonardo DiCaprio as Bo
tries to get Frodo to indulge in a little "Southfarthing
Sinsamarillion" when suddenly, Bo is transformed,
in Frodo's tortured imagination, to a snivelling creature
on a street corner in a leather jacket and gang colors.
It's an important scene because it's Frodo's big chance
to demonstrate that the rehab program has been
They leave the Rave in Dell, armed with some new evidence
against Nine-Fingers and, led by Captain Gandalf who comes
along to serve the warrant, they end up searching through a mob
owned warehouse known by the code name "Khazad Dome,"
where Gandalf confronts Sauron's right-hand man Bill Rogg,
and both of them disappear in the obligatory factory explosion.
The movie ends with the Goodfellaship in disarray.
Boromir Brown, a trusted detective down at the precinct,
turns out to be on the take, and dies in a shootout with
a band of Hitmen known only as "Orcus." Pursued by
the leader of Sauron's prostitution ring, who goes by the name
of "The Bitch King," Frodo panics and steals the squad car,
leaving the rest of the company to fend for themselves
in the most dangerous part of the slums, and two of Frodo's
buddies, Mel and Pip fall into a trap laid by members
of Orcus, and are held captive in the trunk of an old Cadillac.
What will become of the Goodfellaship? Will He-who-is-named-
in-the-indictment be brought to justice, or will he remain free
to continue to spread his dark cloud of Longbottom Leaf?
Find out in the next installment: "The Two Towering