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Humor Contest Writings 2001

by LOTR Fans

Hobbits who drink of ent-draughts
must be careful of what they have wrought
And their clothes must fit fair
With much room to spare
Or their pants'll be ripped in the butt!

-submitted by MMD

Modern Day Addictions

Three drinks for the programmers under a deadline,
Seven for the student hords with their livers of stone,
Nine to slaughter men doomed to be accountents.

One drink made of Dark Beans in dark liquid, drunk
in wake of next Morning where the shadow's lie.

One drink to cure them all, One drink to revive them, One
drink to help them all and forget the night behind them
In wake of next Morning where the shadow's lie.

-submitted by LB

The six most obvious reasons it’s Friday the 13^th:

6. The River Anduin flows in the other direction
5. Frodo asks the Ringwraiths for a ride towards Mt. Doom
4. Frodo ‘lends’ Boromir the Ring for his purposes
3. Tom Bombadil is on vacation
2. Aragorn misses the boats in Pelargir
1. Sam would rather go mushroom-hunting instead of accompanying Frodo.

-submitted by Gimli

A nightmare visit to McDonalds following the release of "The Fellowship of the Ring":

Cashier: Welcome to McDonalds, may I take your order?
Customer: Yeah, lemme get a #3 McTheoden.
Cashier: O.K. sir. Would you like to Urak-Hai-size that?
Customer: Yeah. With a diet Mountain Doom to drink. Oh, and an onion ring.
Cashier: You want an order of Onion Rings?
Customer: No, just the one ring.
Cashier: Just one ring?
Customer (scowling): One, Ring.
Customer's Wife: Don't forget the order of Nazgul Nuggets. Oh, and a Boromir Burger with Lembas Lettuce, Merry Mayonnaise, Pippin Pickles, and Orodruin Special Sauce.
Cashier: I take it you want the Three-Ring Combo, complete with Uruk-Hai sized Elven fries and Balrog sized drink?
Customer: (Sigh) Yeah, and two Mount Mindolluin Ice Creams.
Cashier: "Black Rider" chocolate, "Gandalf the White" vanilla, or "Minas Tirith/Minas
Morgul" mix?
Customer: Make them both "Gandalf the White".
Customer's Kids: WE WANT A HOBBIT MEAL!! WE WANT A HOBBIT MEAL!!
Customer: But those are for the really little kids. We should get you a "Gimli Meal", for
kids slightly larger in stature than Hobbits.
Cashier: Okay. Oh, and the Gimli Meals come with a pack of LEGO-las construction
blocks. Is that okay?
Customer: Thanks
Customer's Kids: Yaaaayy! LEGO-las!
Cashier: So I have a McTheoden Three-Ring Combo with a diet Mountain Doom, a Nazgul Nugget Three-Ring Combo, a Boromir Burger, two "Gandalf the White" Mount Mindolluin Ice Creams, and two Gimli Meals. Is that correct?
Customer: Yeah.
Cashier: What drinks would you like with your Nazgul Nuggets and Gimli Meals?
Customer: Make all three of them "Nimrodel" 7-Up's.
Cashier: Okay, your total is...
Customer: Wait! Can you change that McTheoden to a...
Cashier: DO NOT MEDDLE IN THE AFFAIRS OF CASHIERS, FOR THEY ARE
SUBTLE AND QUICK TO SCREW UP YOUR ORDER!
Customer: Um...never mind.

-submitted by JR

Spot the hobbits names:

A peregrin took Sam. Wise Gamgee didn't care, he had his merry brandy.
Buck ran shouting to and fro: Do bag gins taste better than bottle gins?

-submitted by JR

There once was an evil Black Rider,
Who was chasing some Hobbits and Strider.
Arwen Warrior Princess stepped in,
Gave him a blow to the chin,
And he ran away, too scared to fight her.

-submitted by JK

There once was an orc from Mt. Gram,
Who had quite a craving for ham.
When he couldn't find pork,
That clever old orc,
Canned some road-kill, and now we have Spam!

-submitted by JK

You know you're a balrog if...
People keep asking you if your wings are real or not.
Your significant other just LOVES that kinky burning whip!
You keep getting harrassing phone calls from Dark Lords trying to recruit you.
A whole tube of Preparation-H doesn't even come close to relieving that burning sensation!
People trespass in your house and then have the audacity to to call you names like "Flame of Udun"!
That embarrassing sulphur odor keeps the babes away.
Every so often a group of orcs sits around you with marshmallows on sticks
When you've have beans for dinner, your friends get 3rd degree burns!

-submitted by JK

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