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Third-Age Evil Overlord (from Gilbert and Sullivan’s "Modern Major General")
by Sauron the Maia
SAURON:
I am the very model of a Third Age Evil Overlord,
I've minions by the million, none rule a meaner Orcish horde,
I know the kings of Numenor and caused a fight historical
Between Westernesse and Valinor, merely posing as an oracle;
I'm at the forefront, rest assured, of techniques interrogative,
From me can none hide secrets whose finding's my prerogative;
With my handy palantir I keep abreast of all of Arda's news,
Before the Lidless Eye all quail and not one can hope to play a ruse.
FORMATION OF URUK-HAI WARRIORS:
Before the Lidless Eye all quail and not one can hope to play a ruse.
SAURON:
I'm quite accomplished at mortal and immortal afrightening,
Each day grows darker and dread across the land is heightening;
I've minions by the million, none rule a meaner Orcish horde,
I am the very model of a Third Age Evil Overlord.
SOUTHRON SLAVES AT WORK:
He's minions by the million, none rule a meaner Orcish horde,
He is the very model of a Third Age Evil Overlord.
SAURON:
I've nine Nazgul up in the sky, forever at my beck and call,
They hary fair folk down below and foretoken Gondor's pending fall;
Saruman the Wizard by dint of cunning have I come to fool,
He fancies he's the master when in fact he's just another tool.
My One Ring, I'll regain it, of that there surely is no doubt,
Once on my finger Middle-earth shall witness a most stunning rout;
From Barad-dur my reach shall spread in all directions like a blight,
And then the goodniks of the world'll see how silly 'tis to fight.
EASTERLINGS BUILDING A CATAPULT:
And then the goodniks of the world'll see how silly 'tis to fight.
SAURON:
It says in fiery letters one to rule them all and find them,
In Black Speech yet fine Elvish runes, I am the talent behind them;
I've minions by the million, none rule a meaner Orcish horde,
I am the very model of a Third Age Evil Overlord.
THE RINGWRAITHS OVERHEAD:
He's minions by the million, none rule a meaner Orcish horde,
He is the very model of a Third Age Evil Overlord.
SAURON:
Forsooth, when I know what's meant by "deux ex machina" and "miracle",
When I learn of Watchers sundered by Elven buzzwords lyrical;
The day my knowledge of Ents and Huorns is stronger than an infant's grasp,
And when I'm able to speak again above a patently unhealthy rasp;
As soon as I get myself a clue as to the whereabouts of the missing Three,
And of Hobbits I'm aware of more than merely that they're west of Bree;
When it is perspicuous to me they would rather wreck the Ring,
You'll say a better Overlord has never aimed to be a King.
MELKOR (SOURLY):
You'll say a better Overlord has never aimed to be a King.
SAURON:
My general luck as conqueror is middling at best–but please:
I've precious little to work with having lost the Ring for centuries;
Still I've minions by the million, none rule a meaner Orcish horde,
I am the very model of a Third Age Evil Overlord.
ALL:
Still he's minions by the million, none rule a meaner Orcish horde,
He is the very model of a Third Age Evil Overlord.
