For time immemorial, a people lived in the northern reaches of the garden. They were the slow people. The ones who inched along with their houses upon their backs. The trailers of slime. The Slochirrim. Translated from the worm tongue, the Snail People. Their king was a full 2 inches long and his eye stalks were said to allow him to see over the largest pebbles on his travels about his realm.

The southern garden kingdom were a strong people who lived in holes. They called themselves The Barrocch, or the lovely people in the common speech. They were called the Jasblach by the worms, or the Ugly Hoppers. The snakes called them Sizzlers, or Lunch in the common speech. They were toads to everyone else. Their king was a great insect eater. It was said that his tongue could reach half the length of his longest hop, and that hop was judged by the frogs to be a great hop indeed. It spanned at least 40 tengas, or just about 4 _ inches, give or take an inch.

The two kingdoms had fought as allies in countless skirmishes with the snakes of Pulltab, or The Other Side of the Wall, in the common tongue. The two peoples had become fast friends. Those that stand up to snakes are want to do this from time to time.

The king of the Slochirrim, Jerry, was out with his councilors for a creep round the garden, when a messenger from the southern kingdom hopped up. "Dread king", he began. "I am Justaminit, messenger of my lord Carnsarnit of the Southern Kingdom. My lord asks that you ride with all haste to our succor, as we are in a most terrible predicament. We are besieged! All those who would come to the aid of our kingdom would be welcomed as guests and treated to as much… food as could be…consumed." The messenger for the life of him couldn’t think what a snail might eat or even how they did eat. He was relieved when the king seemed not to notice as he was still in a hard right turn to swing about and face the toad. After about 15 minutes of VERY awkward silence, the King had himself faced in the proper direction.

"Whomst dost thou face in this siege, oh friend toad, as if I couldst not infer from that wicked snake bite on your left hindst leg?" Piped up the great mollusk.

"Yea, verily you do espy a wound dealt to me by the crown Prince of the snakes of Pulltab. I came upon his guards in the dark of night. They did not see me until I had leapt over their very heads. I thought myself away when the Black Prince struck at me from his dark hole." The toad continued, " I was at the height of my leap when I felt his fangs in my leg. When we hit the ground . I kicked at him with the other leg. Luck was with me that night as I gave him a real shiner with that kick." The toad puffed out his lower lip in pride.

"In this, I am most pleased Justaminit. Wouldst that I had the verve of my youth when I couldst leap higher and further than any snail in the kingdom. I remember I was hanging on to the underside of a leaf of the great tree of Zazkwatch, when the urge came on me to leap to the ground and save a few minutes travel." As he spoke the lordly mollusk’s eyestalks were facing each other in the ultimate cross eye. This disturbed Justaminit enough to cause him to shake his head and look away blinking.

He interrupted the king’s musings, "Lord of the silver trail of slime, I must return to my lands at once. Will you come to our aid?" The toad knew he was pushing it in trying to rush a king, especially a snail king. But he was really freaked out by that cross eyed thing. So much so that the Black Prince and his guards didn’t seem too bad right now.

"Peace, friend toad. I didst not attain the kingship by wasting time when snake-work was a-foot. Why I remember my cousin the Lord of the Flatbush, saying to me. Whoa! Slow down cuz! How is it that you can make up your mind in the blink of an eye stalk, when weighty matters must be judged." The king was just warming up when in distress the toad fainted dead away. Was it a trick of the light that perhaps a slit of the toads eye showed the toad peeking at the grand mollusk.

"S’truth! He hast swooned from his wound! How have I been so blind? He obviously was hurt most grievously. Luckily for him, ‘tis said that the slime of the king is the slime that heals! Let me ooze over his leg. Help me Terence." As the councilor was trying to think just how he might aid the king, the toad snapped awake and hopped up saying "Well, I have NEVER felt better! Does anyone need anything at the stores? How about a nice cool drink? I can be back in a flash, really!" The toad was trying to look energetic, hopping about like a puppy around a toddler, but his wonky leg kept giving him away.

"Hold still thy leg master toad! Allow the slime to work it’s wonders." The king demanded. The toad was sitting with his wounded leg out, grimacing, and looking away to the horizon as the royal mollusk oozed over his appendage.

"There. ‘Twas was not too terrible was it? Now we shallst see what we shallst see…" The king bent his eye stalks close to the leg. This seemed to agitate the toad considerably and he tried to hop away but his gamy leg prevented it.

The messenger whispered "Gross." Then he passed out and knew nothing more.

When he awoke he was on a soft toad stool beneath a broad leafy plant. He thought that he was dreaming but then saw the eyes of a snail peering at him from the garden floor below.

‘Cripes’ he thought. ‘Am I ever going to get away from these little beggars?’

"Good evening to you master toad. I am Bob. I am the healer of wounds and the ender of illness. I take that which does not work and bending my thought upon the thing I get it working again. Yep, right as rain. Up and at ‘em. Good as good can be, lickety split I say."

"What day is this?" The toad asked warily not wanting to start the snail on another word run.

"Ah, this day the worms call Jasuslech, the frogs call it Turnip, we snails call it Jill. I believe you toads refer to this day as Monday." The snail was gazing away and looked like he might continue on his rant when the toad broke in.

"Monday? But how can this be. I am sure that this must be Thursday." The toad lay back trying to sort this out.

"Thursday. Ah you refer to the second day of the week, Wally. Oh how many Wally’s have I seen pass me by. I am not as youthful as my appearance would suggest. I have seen 85 Wally’s in my long life."

"Gee I wouldn’t have guessed less than 500 Wally’s…" The toad thought he was only thinking this to himself, but sadly he was yelling out loud.

At this time Jerry the king and his guards came into view.

"I see that our friend has awakened. Peace friend toad. You are well? I thought as much." The toad thought about saying that his leg felt worse than when he arrived, but decided against mentioning it.

He only nodded as the grand mollusk continued. "Tomorrow the Slochirrim shall greet the dawn with the wind flowing past our eyestalks as we ride to deliver your people from the grasp of the Black Prince."

The toad remembered the tapestries in the great hall of the southern kingdom depicting the Slochirrim in various battles against the snakes. It seemed that there was never a snail depicted that was not riding one of the great war slugs. These slugs had made them the scourge of the northern section of the garden. After many battles the snails had driven the black prince and his evil kin beyond the garden wall.

You see snakes although deemed by many to be slippery, and slimy creatures actually have a texture rather like that of leather. They also do not like that which is slimy. In fact the thought of slippery things really creeps them out. This is well known to the Slochirrim. Many a night they would creep slowly up to a sleeping snake and really slime them. The snake would awaken to a giant war slug creeping along his body. They would invariably yell GROSSSSSS!!!! Then slither off as fast as they could.

This is pretty much all the Slochirrim could do in the wars. I can guess what you’re thinking. This doesn’t seem too potent a weapon, but believe you me, ask any snake and he will quiver in disgust at the mere thought of a giant war slug. Come to think of it most of us would.

The toad drifted back to sleep with the cries of the slugs echoing among the toadstools.

At this time, the king was alone with his most trusted councilors in the great hall. Actually, it was a discarded peanut butter jar. "Oh, why dost the sun tarry? I crave the morning so that we may begin our great ride! If I come face to face with the Black Prince… well, I hope he hast come prepared to wipest slime from his eyes is all I can sayest!" A cry of approval went up from his fellow snails when they heard this oath.

"Bring me the dawn!" Cried the Crown Prince Steve. "I will ride the snakes down and slime them under slug! This truly must be the longest of nights. Of all my fathers snails I will be the one who will leave my enemies the slimiest! Is the sun to never show his face above the garden wall again? I will go to my slug Bob. I will take him for a quick jaunt to cool my hot spirit. But don’t you worry I will be back long before the dawn! Fear not, dear friends, I wouldn’t miss this one for anything… Bye now." This oath was greeted with a marked lack of interest from the councilors. To a snail they were thinking of the many battles where Steve would show up in the nick of time to join the victory celebration, but none could remember seeing him on the field of battle.

"Now that my rather loud and dim son hast left, let us get some much needed sleep."

Dawn eventually came of course. Justaminit woke to the sound of snail battle cries. The toad climbed down from his toadstool. He hopped out to a clearing where he found the king and his army. They were already mounted and ready to ride. This was the first time he had seen the Slochirrim army gathered in one place and it was a stunning site. There were snails atop slugs as far as the eye could see.

Near to the center of the army he could see The king with his Royal guard about him. Jerry looked regal as he regaled his army with their exploits to come. "…this day shall be numbered among the great days of the Slochirrim. This morning of the day we callst George shall be remembered as long as the North Kingdom lasts. Mine eyestalks have never seen such an army. Listen to the cries of our steeds. They sense that they will slime snakes before long. We shallst deliver our toad allies from our common foe. Finally the Black Prince shallst forever give up his claim to our garden! Many Georges from now we shallst show our scars to our family and friends and they shallst hold their snailhood cheap when they gaze upon our hurts. They shallst wish that they had been here, with the Lord of Flatbush, with Jamey first Earl of the Beer Can Near the Old Boot, with Norm the Count of the Daisies, with mine own son, the Crown Prince Steve. Now where has he got to? Well never mind! Let the horns be sounded! Forth! Forth Slochirrim! Let us slime the snakes until they leave us in peace forever!"

With that a great cry rang out from the host. Cicadas began to whine in the trees above the army. These were the horns that the great mollusk spoke of. The snails urged their slugs on and the ride began.

Justaminit had been greatly moved by the King’s speech. He had hopped off towards the south as soon as the horns had sounded. Even with his wonky leg he put quite a distance between himself and the host of snails.

Meanwhile in the southern kingdom of the toads, the king Carnsarnit, was gazing northwards from atop his highest toadstool. He was looking for the approach of his snail allies. Sadly all he saw were the snakes of the Black Prince. He could make out in the distance the Prince himself, surrounded by his guard. He cursed him and hopped down amongst his courtiers that surrounded the stool.

"They’re not coming! Cripes, the little slippery beggars. How many times have we hopped our sorry butts off to help them? If Justaminit has let me down I’ll make toadflax out of him!" The king was not known for his optimism. Then again, his kingdom was closest to the snake lands, and the toads often felt the wrath of their enemies.

"My lord, I am sure that the Slochirrim shall be here soon. Justaminit left long ago. He has not failed us before. All will be well." Said the king’s second hand man Goforit.

"Yeah. Easy for you to say. You don’t have our people looking to you for all the answers. I swear, if we get through this one, I am taking a holiday. This garden is like a jungle!" Little did the king know that he had just coined a phrase that would be used for generations to come.

As the king was about to head out to the front lines to have a look around, a toad hopped up with a blind folded snake at his side. If you have ever seen a blind folded snake you are lucky, as this is no easy task, I can tell you.

"My Lord this is an emissary from the Black Prince." The toad bowed and stood aside never taking his eyes from the reptile.

"Greetingsssss oh king. I am Thuthspenths. I am he who sssspeakssss for Hisss Highnesssss the Prince. You have fought the good fight however it isss obviousss that you cannot hold out for much longer. The Prince gracssiousssly offersss you peacsssse." The snake was coiling and uncoiling himself as he spoke to the great toad. He continued as the toad king showed no sign of speaking.

"Hisss offer isss sssimple. You and the royal family may leave the garden. Go where you will, but leave behind your people to work the… ressstaurant busssinesss in the new garden Principality. The Prince wissshesss you and your family no harm. He sssimply wishesss peacssse, and a nicssse meal at a reasssonable pricssse." The snake smiled as he spoke. The toads that were within earshot of this speech, were thinking only one thought. The king is going to sell us down the river.

"Peace. Simple peace. All I have to do is round up the family and hop our sorry butts outta’ the garden." The toad king was looking down at the ground as he began to speak. Then he lifted his head and shaking it slowly said. "How you snakes get to be such jerks I will never know." He continued speaking, not just to the emissary, but to all those around him. "PEACSSSSSSSSSE to these goombas means we all end up in the bellies of these reptiles. Do any of you want to let these cold blooded, lily livered, no toed, toad eatin’ SLIMY SSSSSNAKESSSS get their dinner on time?"

"NO!!!" Was the response from the assembled toad soldiers.

At this the snake uncoiled himself and reared back as if to strike at the king, instead he hissed, turned back and fled to his master. As he went back it was said that he could be overheard whispering. "We are SSSOOO NOT slimey."

After a few minutes had passed the king heard a scream of rage from behind the snake lines. "That would be the Prince." he said with a smile. "You can bet we are in for it now." At this he reared up to stare to the north scanning for any signs of the mollusk militia. Shaking his head he slowly moved to his tent. The tent was actually a discarded baseball cap propped up on a stick.

A few minutes later a great cry rang out from the front lines. The snake army had renewed the assault. This time they came from all directions at once. With them came their lizard allies. It was tough going for the toads yet again. At many times the toad line yielded and it looked as though it might break but then they would redouble their efforts and force the reptiles back. The battle went on for about an hour when a cry went up from the toads. "Worms, the worms have arrived!"

The worms were allies of the toads and were not expected in this battle as they had been off fighting with their sworn enemies the robins. Now, unexpectedly, they were popping up out of the ground all around the snakes. As you know the snakes find anything slimy to be an affront to their cleanly natures. More than a few snakes were turning and heading back to their lines as the worms began their assault.

Just as it looked as if the tide had turned the sky darkened, and the war cries of the robins were heard as they dove at the now defenseless worm army. "Aw’ this is just GREAT! The brown wrigglers show up in the nick of time and now they’re bird food!" The toad king had poked his nose out from his tent in time to see a host of worms being carried off by the dreaded red breasted menace. "Where in the heck are the snails?"

Where indeed? At that moment they were not far as the robin flies, but pretty darn far as the snail creeps. The snails had been travelling all day and had got about 180 tengas. They still had about 20 tengas to go before they would meet the snakes. Justaminut was hopping around the outside of the army urging them on. The problem is that slugs generally speaking are not known for their velocity. If you have ever tried to hurry them along, they look at you incredulously. You see, they believe they are racing along at a good clip.

Jerry felt they were flying along and had to be careful that the wind wouldn’t blow him off the back of the slug. "By all that leaves a trail, we must be going 23 tengas an hour! If I hadst not been here I wouldst not have imagined this possible. This ride truly will be sung of by all in the garden!" Jerry was feeling rather proud of his army when he saw the robin air force wing into view up ahead.

"Halt! Find cover! It is the red menace!" At this command the army broke into confusion. There were slugs crashing into each other dislodging snails all over the field. It was a terrible sight. From on high though, the Lord of the Robins laughed to see the affect his people had on the Slochirrim.

"This is too much! Let’s get ‘em! With that he dove with his folk onto the Slochirrim.

The carnage was awful. The robins ignored the snails, concentrating their attack on the slugs. The Latin name of the American robin is Turdus Migratorius. On that day they really lived up to their name. Never have so many slugs given their lives in helping snails defend toads from snakes. Funny enough the slugs have not bothered to help anyone from that day on. This was the beginning of the severance of the close ties between the Slochirrim and their slug steeds. Have any of you seen a slug riding on a snail in your lives? I thought not.

Afterwards Jerry rounded up his councilors and they surveyed the field. It seems as if they had lost over half of the slugs to the red menace. The snails were disheartened and there was whispered talk of returning home and collecting more snails. At this Jerry laughed and said. "I wouldst not wish one more snail that lies abed to help us in our war. So much more the honour to we who are here! Let us continue on and drive off the reptiles that assail our friends." The king was just getting warmed up when he saw Justaminut hopping around and looking south towards his endangered home.

At that sight he shouted, "Onward Slochirrim! Onward to our destiny! Though all the snakes of Pulltab stand between me and Carnsarnit I swear I shall meet him this day!" With that oath the snails cried, "Onward!" and they were off again. Justaminut rolled his eyes and hopped ahead.

Carnsarnit was still looking north with hope when he heard that Justaminut had been spotted.

"I am going to throw him to the Prince. Let me at ‘em! Just give me 10 minutes with him!" He growled.

"A cry went up as the snails were spotted in the distance. "I always liked that kid! I don’t ever want to hear a bad thing about this guy!" The king’s councilors shrugged and looked at the sky upon hearing their lord’s reversal. "WHAT? What is it now? Jeepers, you guys didn’t take me seriously did you? That kid is like a son to me."

Meanwhile the Black Prince turned to face the slug army. He said "This sucks. I HATE snails!

Let’s go boys! With that the snakes left for Pulltab and were never seen in the garden again.

The garden lived in peace until a giant moved into the house next door and began to… till!

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