10. At the gates of Isengard, Aragorn, dressed as the Marlboro Man, leans back, pulls out his leather pouch with Skoal clearly stamped on the outside and reaching in with his right hand quips, "Just a little pinch between the cheek and gums..." Gimli pulls out a pack of Old Golds and offers one to Legolas. Merry and Pippin take a hard pull off the waterpipe they are sharing and then ask Legolas if he wouldn't mind sharing some of his Alice B. Lembas waybread. They break into uncontrollable giggles as they unwrap a couple Twinkies.

9. At Helm's Deep, a close-up shot of the lead Orcs in the attacking army reveals they are dressed in Imperial Stormtrooper armor. Their line parts to make way for trolls with special weirding weapons to blast a hole in the dike by uttering in a singsong voice, "Moooooo ahhhd deeb!"

8. At Durin's Bridge in Moria, the balrog twirls his flaming sword and cracks his whip in a display of choreography to warm the heart of the most indifferent baton-twirling majorette. Gandalf looks on in silence, resignedly touches the brim of his hat, pulls out a revolver and shoots the balrog.

7. To boost sagging market shares, Oscar Mayer pays 20 million dollars for food product spinoff rights, and immediately launches a new product - "Wizard Weiners."

6. Pippin sneaks away at night with the palantir. Peering into it, he at first sees nothing, then slowly a face emerges through the swirling cloud of the stone as a voice sounding suspiciously like James Earl Jones intones, "Took! I am your president." Inside the stone is the visage of George W. Bush. Pippin is found at dawn frozen in fear.

5. Aragorn, Legolas and Gimli sit in the grass awaiting the arrival of the Riders of Rohan returning from destroying the orc sortie. As the Riders approach, they break into a spontaneous victory song, "Booooorn in the USA!"

4. Frodo, allowing his fear to conquer him before setting out on the quest, races to the red light district in Bywater and pawns the Ring for a night of furry footed frolicking, then disappears into the Wild. The movie ends (rather quickly) with a shot of Freda Payne Bracegirdle sadly crooning into the morning light, "Since you've been gone, all I have left is a band of gold!"

3. Treebeard, mossy beard flowing in the breeze, is striding rather quickly through the forest with Merry and Pippin perched in his arms when in his path appears a shapely Entwife, long green branches rising from her head and dropping in graceful tresses to sweep the ground at her feet. In tow are several young Entlings, some bearing her graceful appearance and others bearing beards remarkably like Treebeard's. The Entwife shoots an accusatory look at Treebeard. The tall Ent drops Merry and Pippin to the floor of the forest and in a shot looking straight into the camera, wags his wooden finger and avers, " I did NOT have sex with that willow!"

2. In the race to Bruinen Ford, Frodo is dismayed to find that the Nine Riders have already arrived. In the most shameless product placement since Cast Away, the Ringwraiths pile into the Explorer at Bruinen Ford and chase Frodo and Asfaloth across the river. As luck would have it, the Firestone tires on the Explorer explode and several of the Riders are thrown out of the vehicle as it spins wildly and comes to rest in the middle of the river. All the Wraiths are swept away in the ensuing deluge of suits, counter suits and spin control launched by the lawyers and PR consultants of the two companies.

1. At the climactic battle outside the Black Gate, Gandalf lifts up his voice and cries, "The Eagles are coming! The Eagles are coming!" Then, in a fit of exasperation, he rips off his robe revealing a GAY PRIDE t-shirt, hollers, "The Eagles are not really my favorite rock group!" and then links arms with the survivors of the battle and marches them through the streets of Minas Tirith singing, "We are the champions, my friends!"

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