Hullo lads and lasses! Gandalf the Grey here. I thought I would tell you a story about one of my many adventures in the land of Middle Earth. Please keep in mind that I am growing old and I tend to ramble. This story must be brief in telling, for yours truly has escaped from the Golden Acres Nursing Home for retired wizards. So let us begin…

It came to me in a letter that Elrond needed to speak to me about something urgent. I decided to ride to Rivendell and take council with him. Now let me tell you a little about the kind master Elrond.

As you may know, Elrond was a very wise elf. This of course you already know from the books. But what you probably do not know is that he liked to play practical jokes on his guests. I will never forget the time he gave me a flask of miruvor laced with a psychedelic liquor. Many a night I spent wandering the lands making a regular tomfool of myself. Most people thought I lost my mind. I spent a month in an institution thanks to kind master Elrond!

As you can guess I was a little cautious when he sent the letter stating he needed to see me. Did he really desire my council? Or did he just have some devious prank to try on me? With that in mind I still went to Rivendell. A grievous mistake on my part as you soon will find out.

It came to pass that after a week of hard riding I finally arrived at the Last Homely House. When I went inside, Elrond was nowhere to be found. So I decided to wait for him in the Hall of Fire. I took a seat by the fire and waited.

Now you must understand that back in that time there weren't a lot of people staying in Rivendell, so the guests who were there would go to the Hall of Fire and listen to Glorfindel. Who, I might add, was a decent singer and wonderful stand-up comic. I was just swallowing a bite of chicken when Glorfindel broke into his Kermit the Frog impression. When you hear, "It ain't easy being green," ala Glorfindel it's hard not to laugh. I immediately began to choke. So it was that I met the hobbit Tookish, who, seeing me in peril, came to my aid. He grabbed me from behind and squeezed, using what became called the Tookish Maneuver, which later was stolen by some guy named Heimlich. But Tookish really deserves the credit.

After I bought the good hobbit a drink, I saw Elrond walk into the hall. He told me he was out with his sons on an orc raiding party. He bid me go to my bed and rest for the night. In the morning he would call his council. So being tired and a little sore from Tookish's strong grip, I decided to retire for the night.

After a long night of nightmares of Glorfindel's foul singing, I awoke. When I woke up I instantly knew something was amiss. I then went to the mirror and noticed that my eyebrows were gone and my beard was dyed purple. Yes, it is as you guessed. Elrond struck again! I had had enough. I decided to exact my revenge.

I wanted to do something particularly devious, so I decided to seek for one with a reputation for mischief as bad as Elrond's. So it came to me to seek for Smeagol. Who, I would like to say for the record, was really a decent lad, but was just misunderstood. I decided to depart as soon as I could.

When I went to get my hat from the closet, I realized Elrond had replaced it with an L.A. Dodgers cap. This was the last straw! Elrond would pay dearly for this indeed. So I left Rivendell in a really foul mood. Long I searched for Gollum, and it wasn't until after a week in the wild that I found him. I fear Gollum had been caught by a Ranger named Aragorn, who was a dear friend of mine.

After a brief rest, I asked Aragorn why Gollum was his prisoner. It seemed Gollum had once again cheated at poker, and Aragorn had decided to ransom Gollum for the lost money. But as you can guess no one would pay Aragorn for such a miserable creature. I happily paid the ransom and took Gollum into my company. For three nights Gollum and I discussed a fitting revenge on Elrond. We finally came up with a prank so devious, so mischievous, so... well just mean I tell ya!

We rode to Rivendell in great haste. Gollum hid in the bushes outside of Elrond's house and I went in to lay the groundwork for my plan. I found Elrond in the Hall of Fire talking with his sons and telling them of his many pranks. When they saw me enter in my Dodgers cap they fell to the floor laughing. I merely ignored their jests and waited for my plot to unfold.

The dinner bell finally rang... which was Gollum's cue to start his prank. I went and sat at the great table of Elrond. When dinner was served there was suddenly a knock on the door. I then told Elrond that I had invited a special guest. So when Elrond went to the front door my trap was set! Upon opening the door, Elrond saw Gollum. But what you do not know is what Gollum was wearing. Yes, Gollum was disguised as the Witch King!!

The effect was astounding. Elrond shrieked and clutched his chest. Yes, as you may have now guessed, poor master Elrond had a minor heart attack! I fear I was no longer welcomed warmly to Rivendell, and Gollum was held by the Elves to be just plain wicked.

Elrond recovered and is doing fine as you all well know. But no longer did he ever play pranks. He stuck with counseling. Well, it is as I fear. They have found me at last. I must retreat or be taken back to the Golden Acres home for wayward wizards. Alzheimer's they say! Bah! My memory is just fine thank you very much. They will never recapture Gandalf the Red! Or was it Blue... oh well, doesn't matter. See you all shortly and I will tell you another tale. Farewell!

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