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A Day in The Life Of ButterBur
by Strider

0800 Wake up to another glorious Bree morning. The sun is shining, the birds are singing and the rooms are nearly full. I love the smell of profit in the morning.

0815 Finish my usual breakfast of bread, honey, a glass of beer to wash it down…or at least that’s what I tell myself the beer is for. I have a problem….

0820 As usual, feel sick from the usual breakfast and spend the next ten minutes in the lavatory in the back for the staff.

0830 Let Nob and Bob in the back door. Send Nob off to clean the stables and Bob to feed the horses. . but not in that order.

0840 Wake up lodgers of the inn and serve them their desired breakfast at an inflated price. Fat dwarf called Bombur causes a bit of hassle when he orders 3 breakfasts. After the second one I offer him a glass of water. He then breaks down into a crying fit and I quietly make an exit. Must be aquaphobic or something of that ilk.

0940 Get Nob and Bob to bring up two new barrels of ale to fill the empty tanks in the bar while I try and paint over some runes scratched into the front door about Thief/Treasure hunter wanted…damn wizards think the door to my inn is some sort of advertising board.

0955 Watch Bill Ferny talking to his own shadow in his house from a window in the east wing. Become very worried when the shadow starts moving when Bill doesn’t. Realise I have been working too hard and my mind is playing tricks on me. Still, as strange as news from Bree so it is.

1000 I open the doors of the inn to the public.

1001 Clean up first spilt drink of the day

1015 Get in trouble with a passing dwarf when I mispronounce " Anything else sir?" as" Your mother was a Orc concubine."

1016 Clean up first spilt blood of the day.

1030 Find Nob pilfering some silver pennies from a sale of a glass of beer. Beat the fear of Iluvatar into him. Feel very glad there are no trade unions in Bree.

1330 After hearing a rattling noise outside the inn for the three minutes go outside to see that the hanging sign outside the inn has finally succumbed to the woodworm it has been diseased with for so long, as half of its bolster has broken and the wood has begun to split attached to it. I bring it in to Appledore, the local carpenter and ask him to make me a new one only with a new logo on it. He says that he will have to give it to some other people for painting and it won’t be ready until at least late afternoon. I find this quite agreeable and give him a deposit as an incentive to get it done as quickly as possible.

1045 Forget my name for a moment until someone shouts it at me.

1100 Tell Bob to check on who is ringing the bell for service in the west wing,

1102 Bob comes back and tells me I need to see something.

1105 Discover that master Bombur has gone through the floorboards of his room and is now lodged in between the ground floor and the basement. Very thankful that he wasn’t on the first floor. The last thing I need now is someone killed via a fat dwarf.

1122 Eighteen minutes and several pounds of butter later Bombur finally slips down into the basement and onto some well-placed blankets. He apologies for the inconvenience. I feel no resentment. I just feel pity for his pony in stables at the rear.

1138 The quiet period of the day. May as well let Nob and Bob start on fixing the hole.

1142 After stepping outside for some fresh air and realising how bitter a day it was, decide to start a log-fire in the common-room. Need some paper to stoke the fire. Use some of the paper left behind from lodgers years ago. What use is a piece of paper with a map of a mountain with a dragon and a front door if there is no such place. "Lonely mountain", my word the imagination of some people.

1200 Noon. Two hungry gate-watchmen come in for a meal after being relieved of their post, as is the routine. Overhear them talking about a Black Rider heading towards the Shire. Probably those Rangers again. Shady characters indeed. A customer is a customer I suppose.

1213 Purchase a rack of lamb from the butcher, some butter and two loafs of bread from the baker and two oil lamps and half a dozen candles from the candle stick maker. Suddenly very aware that someone is writing my actions down. Turn around to see Goatleaf, the local poet watching me and scribbling down something. As strange as news from Bree indeed.

1222 Return to the inn for a few minutes. Check to see that rogue Nob hasn’t pilfered any more pennies.

1229 Pay a visit to the gates to give the watchmen some sandwiches at a reduced price. Trying to be as subtle as I can, I ask each one have they seen any Black Riders. Both say no. Suddenly feel a lot safer.

1232 Return to the inn for a few minutes rest in front of the fire. Notice that the place is beginning to fill up again. As long as there is two dwarves, a handful of hobbits and half a dozen Bree men drinking in the common-room, I’m happy.

1245 Some sandwiches and a good rest later, I’m ready to get working again.

1257 Get the scare of my life when I see a shadowy figure outside in the stables. Lock the door and with some uncontrollable curiosity continue to watch the figures progress. As he comes out of the stable I realise that he is clothed in green not black. Under the hood of the cloak I see the weathered face of Strider the Ranger. I unlock the door with some difficulty as I am shaking like I have been out in the wind far too long.

1300 Lead Strider to his lodgings. When asked how long his stay will be, his response is " As long as need be". This is music to my ears since last time Strider was here he paid handsomely and quite rightly too since some of the patrons of the common-room seem a bit wary of him.

1315 Break up a fight between two Bree men. After they calm down I ask them "now what was that in aid of?" It turns out they were arguing over which had the stupidest name.

1345 Stoke the fire again.

1355 Since the rush is beginning to ease again, I retire to my room where I pick up a pen and paper. People would pay good money to read about the life of the owner of Bree’s premiere inn wouldn’t they?

1358 Still haven’t decided on a name of the book yet. Tinker with the name The Bree Books. Sounds too much like The Green Books though, and I know I have heard that name somewhere before.

1420 Return to the common-room to see how Nob and Bob are managing. Though they are quite competent I worry about Nob. That boy has a habit of sweeping a few silver pennies into his pockets every now and again. Well we all have our failings. Except me of course.

1442 As I talk to a Bree man outside the inn about some of the inns he visited on his recent travels, he mentions the name of one inn called The Enemy. As soon as he utters these words, a crack of thunder is heard and a bone-chilling gale sweeps through the village. Continue to talk to him about his travels and when he mentions The Enemy inn again the same thing happens again. Strange that.

1525 Nob and Bob give the horses their afternoon feeding in their nosh bags. In the meantime I check to see if the dwarf sitting with his head on the table and his 10th beer glass in his hand is alive. Unsurprisingly, he is. I could give those dwarves acid and they would chug it down in one go. Still, acid or beer in the glass, the bowel movements must be hell at bedtime.

1537 Get paid a visit by a kindly looking wizard dressed in Brown called Radagast. Though he doesn’t order any refreshment, he tips me anyway and proceeds to sit in a sparsely lit corner of the room. As I watch him, I notice for the first time that Strider has been sitting there, smoking his rather strangely curved pipe. Ragouts proceeds to talk with Strider. As I watch them, they seem to blend into the darkness to the point that anyone looking towards the corner would see nowt but some smoke. Well I’ve heard of wanting privacy but that’s a little extreme.

1547 As I expected since Strider didn’t bring the wizard back to his room, the conversation did not last long. I discretely move to a window so that I can get a better look at Radagast as he leaves. As he walks down the main street, two finches land on each of his shoulders and begin to sing. How nice.

1548 The serene scene doesn’t last long as an excited pig runs towards Radagast and inadvertadly knocks him over. Radagast tries not to go red in the face despite the fact that he is now being jumped on by an affectionate pig. Indeed, he must be a friend among animals.

1602 Nob and Bob try to split up another fight between a hobbit and a man. The hobbit, having a better view of the man’s "sensitive area" than the man did of the hobbit, proceeds to punch him in the groin. As the hobbit is escorted out of the inn with his bags and shown his horse, the old Elf proverb, " Kicked in the family silmarill’s" comes to mind.

1604 Nob and Bob help me carry the man back to his room.

1624 After partially recovering from the pain, the man receives a pint of beer on the house. Literally. The man is sitting exposed to gale force winds on the roof of the inn, practising his grandmother’s own home remedy for well…these situations.

1704 After spending the last forty minutes helping the man regain the ability to walk again, I realise that the rack of lamb is got at the butchers earlier needed to be prepared for cooking soon if it is to be on the bar menu for tonight.

1711 The new sign for the inn has been dropped in by Appledore the carpenter. The sign may have cost a lot, but it does look fantastically well done. I get Bob to put it up as quickly as possible outside.

1713 Hear a loud crash outside. Run out to see Bob flat out on the ground, the sign still intact and the ladder he was standing on knocked over. I shout at Nob to get outside, and tell him next time hold onto the ladder so Bob won’t get blown over by the wind.

1725 After Nob and Bob finally get the sign up, I give them a candle each and tell them to start the oil lamps burning. I ignore the mumbling and possible cursing under their breath.

1758 Prepare for the evening rush.

1802 Realise I didn’t prepare well enough when. Beer kegs are both empty at the bar. I scramble to get a new keg as my patrons get more and more annoyed.

1903 After the rush for drinks at the bar, things finally settle down a little bit. As usual, the sudden thin veil of smoke that is created by twenty people smoking some Hornblowers in their pipes.

1906 As I glance out the window I notice two carriages pulling up outside. Excellent, the band I hired is have arrived. A group of travelling hobbits, they are called The Red Hot Silly Hobbits. The hobbits and their musical equipment were in one carriage and about a dozen dwarves travelled in the second carriage. What the dwarves do in the band I don’t know. Dwarf groupies? That’s a new one on me.

1912 As Nob and Bob put the curtains up around the stage area so that the band can get set up in peace, I decide I should meet the band’s manager. A Mr. Ebenezer Took, an estranged cousin of the Took family, so people say (behind his back of course), I ask him what the dwarves do. I nearly choke on a glass of water as he told me. I hired a bloody Dwarf gospel choir.

1920 After taking a few minutes to get my breath back, I decide that things may turn out fine in the end, they usually do. Sure and the elves may sell the deeds of Lórien to the dwarves so they can build apartments for Orcs.

1933 I overhear the dwarves practising some of their songs and there are a lot better than I thought at first. The hobbit playing the spoons it top-class as well.

1947 Mr. Took walks over to me and says the band is ready to start whenever you are. I tell him five minutes we will start.

1953 It’s showtime. Nob and bob stand either side of the curtain, ready to open it when I give the word. I ring the bell at the bar until the room is relatively quiet. "Ladies and Gentleman, hobbits dwarves and friends alike. It is my pleasure to present the finest band in the Shire, making their debut in Bree, presenting The Red Hot Silly Hobbits." On that cue, Nob and Bob pulled down the curtain and as soon as they did the whole room erupted with laughter. I could barely contain myself either. The dwarves were dressed in white gowns!

2014 After just over twenty minutes of play, the laughter could still be head, though less frequent. It seems the people in the room thought it was some sort of comedy act, and thought it to be hilarious. I could barely keep a straight face every time I thought of those dwarves in their white gowns. I can see how Mr. Took makes his money. The room is nearly full and a still more people are coming through the door, probably wondering what the commotion is in old Barliman’s.

2035 Nearly failing to meet the demand for beer and seating. The profits have never been this big before.

2059 Sign the band up for three more nights next month.

2134 The band finally finish their performance, to a rapturous applause. The dwarves, not knowing the real reason for the applause, seem rather pleased with themselves and bowed twice.

2146 After giving the band some complimentary beer I tend to the customers again. Most of them are either singing, dancing or smoking pipes. The night turned out better than I expected.

2212 The singing has stopped and the family men are the first to leaves the inn. Soon more and more people will leave, like a trickle of water.

2230 Now everyone save the lodgers in the inn and those that are unconscious have left the common-room. While Nob and Bob put out the burning oil lamps in the common-room and in the wings, I drag the unconscious outside.

2240 While Nob and Bob are cleaning up and putting the chairs on top of the tables, I give half the profit from the day to the messenger waiting on horseback outside, as is the routine every night. This way I won’t wake up one morning to find a cement block where my feet should be and slowly sinking to the bed of a river. Well, that’s the protection racket for you. Can live with it. Cant live if you don’t pay it.

2245 Nob and Bob finally head home with their pay packets in their pockets and a grin on their face, which makes me feel very paranoid because they usually go home tired and weary. Looks like I'll have to double check my bedroom for stink bombs tonight.

2315 Five stink bombs and several baths later, I finally get a chance to get some rest. Nice to have an early night for once. I think ill ignore the black shadow outside the window though. And I can’t hear those horse-hooves. It is just a figment of my imagination.


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